Confident?
by refuse-to-sink-0923
Summary: This is a sequel to insecurities and it's about the ups and downs of Kensi's recovery from her eating disorder with the help of Deeks. Will also include some Densi fluff.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

P.O.V. Kensi

I just got out of the hospital an hour ago, and Deeks and myself are just arriving at his apartment after a quick stop at mine for clothes and other necessities. I'm lucky to be out of the hospital; most people under my circumstances would have been admitted. The conditions for me being out of the hospital are: I have to eat, I can't exercise, I have to have someone live with me for awhile, I can't go back to work until I'm deemed ready by a psychologist/psychiatrist, and I have to talk to Nate three times a week while I'm out from work. The list of stuff I can and can't do is overwhelming for me – especially since I have to let my guard down – but, I will do it if it means staying out of the hospital and keeping my job. I'm reminding myself of this just as we pull into the parking lot.

"Okay Kensilina, we are here" exclaims Deeks as he puts the car into park.

We get out of the car, get my bags – well Deeks does anyways – and walk towards the apartment. Deeks unlocks his door, and when he opens the door, a big mass of fur jumps on me and almost knocks me over. It takes me a minute to realize it's Monty, and when I do, I lean down and scratch his head lovingly as he licks my face.

As this happens I hear Deeks say "Hey, enough kisses Monty; that's my new job as her boyfriend."

When he says that, I feel blush rising to my face and my heart fluttering in my chest. We walk into the apartment and Deeks sits the bags down then turns on the lights.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" asks Deeks.

"Can we watch Titanic?" I ask giving a little pout.

Deeks lets out a soft laugh, then says "Sure"

He suddenly frowns and in a hesitant voice asks "Umm... what would you like for dinner?"

As he says that, my heart clenches in fear and the voice that tells me not to eat starts up.

I feel a lump start to form in my throat, so I clear my throat as best as I can and say "Can I have a salad?"

He gives me a pained look – like he wants to please me and say yes, but knows he can't – and says "Kens, you got to have more then that"

I force down the rising anxiety and say "You can choose, just please make it something light" then I try to focus my attention on the movie.

-40 minutes later-

"Okay Kens, dinner's ready"

I try to stall by taking my time turning the movie off, but eventually I had to make my way over to the table. I sit down and in front of me is a plate of plain pasta.

I start to panic and say "I can't eat that Deeks; there are way too many calories."

"Kens, it's really not a lot okay. It's just a small plate of plain pasta. You have to eat something proper for dinner, okay" says Deeks in a gentle voice.

I feel tears well behind my eyes and fall down my face.

"Deeks, I can't do this" I say chocking back sobs.

He starts rubbing my back and says "It's okay sweetie, just take a few bites for now. We will take it one bite at a time."

I nod then take three bites of pasta, but stop when the voice starts yelling at me to stop.

"There" I say pushing my plate away.

Deeks lets out a soft sigh, then says "You can take your time eating this if you need to, but at least half of it has to be finished by the end of the night."

Who would have thought eating could be so hard?


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

P.O.V. Kensi

I wake up the next morning and roll over to look at the clock. 4 am. I guess old habits die hard. I get out of the bed and tip toe through the living room to the washroom. When I close the door behind me, I look in the mirror and instantly want to cry at what I see. I see a fat and bloated figure staring back at me in the mirror. I can't stand this; I don't want to look like this. I don't care anymore that I promised Deeks I would try to get better. I love him and don't want to worry him, but I can't be bloated and fat. I just can't. I open the door and tip toe back to my room where I throw on some exercise clothes. I then tip toe past Deeks' sleeping form on the couch, and out the front door. As soon as I close the door behind me, I break into a run knowing that Deeks set his alarm for 6 am. I jog down to the beach and spend an hour and a half running up and down the board walk. When I finish, I run back to Deeks' apartment knowing I only have 15 minutes to get there. When I get there, I unlock the door and tip toe past his sleeping form again. Just as I close the door to Deeks' room, I hear his alarm in the living room go off. I quickly run to the bed and get under the covers pretending to sleep. Five seconds later, I hear the door open and Deeks whisper "Are you awake Kensi?"

I fake a yawn and roll over saying "I am now"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up" Deeks says guiltily.

That instantly makes me feel bad so I say "It's okay, I need to get up now anyways."

"Okay. Umm... what would you like for breakfast?" asks Deeks hesitantly.

"Um... can I have pancakes?"

When I say that, a huge smile spreads across Deeks' face and he says "Ya, of course"

When I see the smile, I start to feel guilty because I'm not actually going to eat the food. After the fiasco of me trying to eat last night and how bloated and fat I am this morning, I decided that I'm going to hide food, exercise in secret and – if I have to – make myself throw up. Eating is just to hard for me with the voice screaming at me not to eat.

I snap out of my train of thought and say "I'm going to take a shower while you make the pancakes"

"Okay" calls Deeks from the kitchen already starting on the pancakes.

I walk into the washroom and quickly strip down and hop into the shower. Since I usually take long showers – 10 minutes plus 5 to change – I quickly scrub my hair, change, and spend the rest of the time doing push ups and sit ups. I then get up off the floor and throw on a sweater with big pockets.

When I step into the kitchen, I smell the pancakes and see a stack of three sitting on a plate.

When Deeks sees me he says "Hi princess" and gives me a peck on the lips before handing me the pancakes.

I then sit at the table and start cutting the pancakes into small pieces. While Deeks' back is turned, I grab a handful of pancake and shove it into my pockets.

Deeks then turns around and says "So Kensilina, how are you liking the pancakes?'

"They're good" I say picking up my fork and pretending I just took a bite.

"Good" he says with a smile, then turns back around

I use that as an opportunity to shove more food into my pockets.

Wow. Maybe this will be more easier then I thought.


End file.
